all the time

I’m sighing deeply as I writing this, thinking of everything I’ve done in the past 3 months.

Everyone in the class dislikes me strongly, that for sure. Hate is a too strong word and I avoid using it. Some are kind enough to come to me and said, “yeah dude, you’re fucked up here everyone’s thinking that you’re a snobby asshole” and by that I think it’s kind of too late to fix this attitude-or that’s what my head said to me… but is it?

I don’t know why they think I’m a snobby asshole. I seriously have no idea. It’s been like this since the first time I moved here (which I suspect also the reason why I got bullied in 8th grade) and it’s taking toll on me. They think I’m not friendly enough, not stepping down from my high horse to mingle with them peasants. I mean, why they think I am a snobby asshole? I never brag (everyone’s brag, so do I. Duh). I tried to mingle but they aren’t warm enough to accept me as a freaking whole. They make fun of my speech, said inappropriate things when I do problems in the whiteboard, and they expect me to be calm all the time? I fucking snapped here and there, and what right they have to said that I’m a snobby asshole? As if they’ve been in my shoes for this horrifying 3 years in this hell hole!

It affects my grade. It affects my sanity. It affects everything I have. I’m not as stable as you think. You think I lead happy life? You think you know me when all you see is me sitting alone in a class trying to suppress my anger and depression which makes me look pissed all the time? You think just because I scored better in terms of facility and connection than you you can have the right to mock me?  You think I got it all? Oh fucking no.

And don’t even ask about the adults. They not surprisingly sucks at handling things like this. They think what I have is a mere ‘teenage-angst’, because you know what, my angst level is totally kicking Metallica’s ass off. Not even my parents care enough to take me to psychiatrist because “it’ll go away” and because if I diagnosed as having depression mean they’re fucking failed in parenting field. Yeah, who want an unhappy kid anyway? And the treatment is expensive too. Ew. Waste of money.

You guys is the real assholes here. Part of your why you mock me is my fault, but the rest are your problems because LOL do you even know me apart from what I wear to school (standard uniform, bag, and shoes, bleh), what I do in school (I swear not much), what I eat, et cetera? Your impression is based on fucking 5 minutes observation and so do I. And somehow your impression is right, because yeah, maybe I’m an asshole. Or maybe you’re a low-life yourself. At least I don’t make fun of you in front of the teachers.

That’s the point. The teachers! You see, there’s this fucking annoying teacher who delusional-ly CONFIRMS on how snobby asshole I am! What kind of teacher making fun of their own students, like seriously? I got called out many times in her class! What a pain in the ass, you shouldn’t teach because surprisingly the one who called me snobby is also snobby–even snobbier than me and need her mouth to be fucking teach.

Asshole, all of us.

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