rage

I’m on rage.

This month is probably the most depressing moment in my 3 years living here. Problems came and go like winds. Winds that can laugh at your misery, that is. Just when I thought this year is probably the best on my 16 years; nah, it’s not. noep. It’s horrible. I’m broke and the paycheck is not coming (yet), I lost my phone, mum’s wrist watch, and a dear plastic bottle. And also almost break my long time glasess.

 It’s just.. this year is shitty and it’s not even nearing the end.

I don’t know man, I’m pretty depressed and messed up. I tried to fix myself up but it’s always ended up messier, like, it’s keep piling up and I’m really upset to the point I’m exploded in front of my dad and sister. Actually, they’re one of the main source of the issue I’m suffering right now, but I’ll just explain it later.

I’ve been stressed ever since 2nd semester came up. I was pretty scared about this because I’m doing shitty job on 1st semester (it’s not like I care, but apparently my parents and gazillion other people do) and also because I’m afraid I’ll be stuck on 1st grade (noOOoo). I tried to study, I really do, but I don’t know man, things are just shitty and I don’t have any motivation left to study, especially natural science and math subject. They just don’t attract me at any bit.

Actually I’m doing good on math, but then extra jobs from school and AFS selection coming and I can’t help but neglect them a bit. My grades went downhill and I became more scared. I’ve tried to study, I really do, but things don’t really harmonise that much and I left study and search for something that can release my stress. Parents noticed this and gave me a warning, but I still do it anyway. I swear it’s not something dangerous, just unhealthy amount of obsession and hours of internet. At this point I know I should’ve facing a psychiatrist but I rather not because my parents just see it as a waste of money.

(I kind of agree with them at this one).

Then 2nd mid semester coming. I try to learn whatever I can and just hoping for whatever. The result cqme out, and it was horrifying but at least I tried and hey, it was actually better than my previous result. Though I didn’t tell my parents about this because they might snatch away the internet modem from my grasp.

(They probably should).

Yadayadayada I passed the 2nd AFS selection and the 3rd selection is coming and it’s not alone; it was coming with a hell named 2nd semester exam. At this point, I don’t really try to study because I’m just that damn tired and can’t think straight. It felt like hangover, a horrible one. I forgot about many things, I have hard time keeping myself up; I just want to sleep and disappear but heheheueheuhee yeah right. That’s what emo angsty high on drug teenager part of yourself doing when you let them control your big part of brain. But yeah I just want to sleep all day long and let earth eats me because it sounds better (and more painful) :c

Thankfully the 2nd exam is now finished. I got 4 (!!) remedial out of 17, at least this was better than my previous exam because I scored 7 remedial :c Oh well.

I’ve told you about my lost phone, aye? So I told my friends to just contact me trough my dad’s whatsapp (risky, I know but fuck it) and then my friend whatsapped me when I was not around. Dad’s the one who read it and he came to me saying that I have a geography remedial tomorrow (today) then start ranting about me don’t study hard enough and keeps slacking off. I’m losing myself and start tearing up and almost pounced on my dad, though I accidentally kicked his waist. That must be hurt. Then I stormed off to my own room and cried pretty hard. I didn’t cry to sleep but instead rolling on my bed looking at the wall like an idiot.

Dad pretended that what happened before never happened and played along. It was easier like this; I’m never used to tearful confession and apology anyway.

Then it happened again.

It was 11 AM when dad coming home. He came to my sis’ room where I was in and said (in joking manner) that I won’t get my phone replaced until next year–which made me upset. He said that it was mum’s order but I didn’t take that and saying that it was bullshit. Dad insisted that it was not, telling me that it was mum that has money control here. I was like meh, and then my sis jumped in the wagon, talking shit about me which made the situation even worse. I lost my shit for the 2nd time and threw my glasses with full force. Dad lost his shit too but my sis acted like nothing’s happened and there goes the 2nd rant I receive for this week.

After that he went out while mumbling about me can’t control my own self and raeg. Well, why you don’t ask first before you judge? I’ve said countless time that I AM not okay, depressed, confused, and broke. You just don’t want to understand, thinking that what I am saying is just my imagination; a made up. No.

NO.

Look, I’m 16 and I fully understand and capable of mature thinking, but when life gives me these pig shits I can pull out full blown rage.

I’m still a kid. Just because I’m about two years to “adulthood” doesn’t mean I can endure this much.

What I did is just the tip of the iceberg anyway.

That’s being said, fuck you. And everyone. And life too.

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